Adam and the Unspeakable Something

Somewhere, not far from here, in a world not unlike where we live now, in a time not so long ago, there were places within places. These places were dark, secretive, intriguing, mystical, mysterious, unfathomable, adstruse, esoteric, enigmatic, and all other words of that description describing what I'm describing. These untraversed, provocative places within places both enthralled and struck fear into all the men of every land in every world in every galaxy in every Universe. These were superficial places filled with vanity; full of beauty products; filled with cosmetic tools of the torturous persuasion; places littered with sanitary products used during indescribable times; a womans world within a world. A place known Universally as, the handbag.

It's a place where our hero inexplicably finds his boney, tattoed arm, sweeping back and forth over the sanitary products and cosmetic goods, looking for something which he knows not.

'Have you found it yet?' Dakota barked.

Adam, skinnier than a skinny thing, almost broke in half at her tone. Beads of sweaty sweat trickled down the side of his thinner than thin face.

'What the fuck am I looking for?' Adam Panicked

He hadn't a clue. When Dakota had said, 'Adam, although it strikes fear into all the men of all the worlds of all the galaxys of all the Universes, can you be a dear and delve into my handbag of unspeakable complexities and unbelievable ostentatiousness, and procure my blusher?' Adam shat hypothetical shit and, with a shaking hand, dipped into the handbag.

After pulling out a mirror, lisptick, lipgloss, a hairbrush, a pair of tweezers, nail varnish, nail varnish remover, a reciept for nail varnish remover and a packet of Trebor Extra Strong Mints, Adam finally procured that which he'd been trying to procure, the infamous blusher.

He felt a glorious.

'I feel glorious,' he panted, holding the blusher aloft like Arthur pulling Excalibur from the stone. Expecting thanks and, at most, a kiss, he was taken aback when Dakota snapped, 'Finally! Took you long enough.'

She slammed the bathroom door and left Adam alone.

He'd had a rougher than rough time since leaving his darker than dark homeland. After the most epic battle in all history with his former brother Angus, and Angus' son, Minotaur, Adam had emerged, half dead, and failed to achieve what he'd set out to achieve. He still carried the coin with him, and it felt heavy in his pocket. His love, Dakota, didn't help his dispondant mood.

At first, when she asked him if he liked to dance, they had danced until their feet were raw and their hearts beat bloody tattoes against their chest, and they fornicated until both sets of genitalia were throbbing uncontrollably and they were sweating oceans of sweaty sweat.

They hadn't danced in a long time, and Adam mostly fornicated with his left hand. Dakota was out most nights, but Adam was besotted and trusted her more than he should.


It was a journey all expectant Milkmen fathers must take. For Adam, however, the journey was far more perilous, terrifying, dangerous, precarious, treacherous, and all other words of that description that describe what I'm describing.

Adam hadn't been in his realm for over two years and he had to find the hole of the world which he had penetrated and squeeze himself through it. He was more frightened than a frightened thing.

When Dakota had uttered those immortal, unforgettable words, 'Adam, I'm pregnant,' it was no longer a case of hypothetical shit; Adam truly destroyed all the boundaries that housed all the historical records relating to human excriment. Adam knew then what it meant. He knew what he must do; knew the dangerous dangers he must face.

He first heard about this most treacherous of treacherous journey from his father. His father spoke gently, 'It's a journey all expectant Milkmen fathers must take. It's a journey that will tempt them with the most tempting temptations. It's a journey that will determine if you are ready to be a father, and if you fail, the results could be catastrophically catastrophic!'

'Wow,' Adam exclaimed, 'that sounds catastrophic. What does the journey entail, father?'

'It's different for every Milkman because every Milkman is tempted by something different,' his father answered.

'And the objective?' Adam queried.

His father smiled, 'To retrieve the Unspeakable Something.'

And so we join Adam now, squeezing through the space between spaces and into the beyond beyond the beyond, journeying through a forgotton land, a depressingly despondant world torn apart by sadness and pointless war. He stands now, on the threshold of temptation, looking out over a barren wasteland.

He steps forward.

Suddenly, immediately, instantaniously, and all other words of that decription describing what I'm trying to describe, the land shifted and jumped, twisted and reformed and things started to come alive. Women; beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, immaculate, pure, unblemished women of all shapes and sizes; black, white, green, blue and orange. They strolled towards him seductively, flaunting their flaunty bits and waving their wavy hair. They smiled. They kissed one another, stroked and caressed one another. Adams heart thumped harder than a hard thing and his testicles danced a jig. The first temptation: Lust.

He closed his eyes and ran so fast that he made fast things seem not so fast. He could smell their perfume and hear their sweeter than sweet voices. They snatched at his clothes as he swept past them. They screamed in desperate agony and then there was silence. He opened his eyes and his jaw hit the floor.

Mountains; massive, sky piercing mounds of cash spread out over the landscape. Some were snowcapped. Adam brushed his hand against the money. It felt good.

The second temptation: Greed.

Adam, being penniless, jobless, skinter than a skint thing, found this hard to resist but resist it he did, and when he turned from the mountains they came crashing down around him, like some colossal beast, and Adam was carried away in a sea of cash.

Adam had a treacherously treacherous time of things, wading through unbearably tempting horrors.

'I've had such a treacherously treacherous time of things,' he panted, 'I've waded through some unbearably tempting horrors.'

Soon it came to the part of the journey he feared most: the Latent Temptation. He didn't know what to expect, so it was no surprise that what happened next was something he wasn't expecting. Men. Muscular, sweating, naked men all wandering around smiling at him with their genitals waving around unobstructed. Adam was rooted to the spot. He'd been fighting it all his life, pressed it away into some darker than dark corner of his mind.

'We are your dormant homosexual tendencies,' they all crooned, 'give in Adam.'

He fell to the ground and crawled on his hands and knees. Hardcore techno music played in the background.

'I like his boxers,' one commented.

'I like his back,' another sang.

Adam was almost crying. Any minute now he would give in, collapse under the weight of all his gay thoughts through the years. Then there was darkness.

He stopped. There it was, the Unspeakable Something. So mesmerizing, hypnotic, astonishing, and all other words of that description describing what I'm describing. Of course, exactly what it was we will never know, after all, it was an Unspeakable Something, which is to say, something that cannot be spoken of.

He stepped up and, licking his lips apprehensively, lifted the Unspeakable Something from its plinth. There was a low rumble, followed by an almighty thunderous crack.

'Oh my, what was that almighty thunderous crack?' Adam exclaimed.

The world was collapsing, falling apart around him. He tucked the Unspeakable Something under his arm and sprinted.

He crashed through the hordes of sweaty, gay men, swam through the ocean of money, bulldozered his way through the beautiful females and along the way he jumped, dived, ducked and spun his way through all manner of treacherously treacherous unbearably tempting horrors.

He found the beam of light piercing through the blacker than black canvas of the dying world and once more squeezed himself through it just as the world behind disappeared into oblivion.

With the Unspeakable Something tucked under one arm, Adam stumbled to the hospital. He bounced off every wall as he made his way to the birthing room. He could hear Dakota screaming uncontrollably.

'I'm here!' He panted, falling through the door. 'I have the Unspeakable Something, but we cannot speak about it.'

The room had fallen silent. Dakota had given birth but the nurses looked at Adam awkwardly. He got up, limped over to Dakota and stopped dead.

'Are you fucking serious?' He moaned.

The babies were black. Adam dropped the Unspeakable Something and traipsed outside. The sun was shining. He stood trembling.

Adam cried.

The End